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[Billboard Ad]: If you don't smoke Tarryltons... Fuck You!
President Camacho: Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the ...
Carl's Jr. Computer: Enjoy your EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES! Woman at Carl's Jr.: You didn't give me ...
Narrator: The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes the ...
Doctor in Waiting Room: Clevon is lucky to be alive. He attempted to jump a jet ...
Narrator: The #1 movie in America was called "Ass." And that's all it was for 90 ...
Secret Service Thug: Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh if we'd go ...
Pvt. Joe Bowers: [addressing Congress] ... And there was a time in this country, a long ...
Rita: Can you take me there? [Points at TV where "Monday Night Rehab" is showing] Frito: [Lifts ...
Pvt. Joe Bowers: I just need you to tell me how to get to the time ...
[repeated line] Frito: I like money.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: Why me? Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the ...
Pvt. Joe Bowers: Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by ...
Frito: [Acting as Joe's public defender] It says here you robbed a hospital. Why'd you do ...
Doctor: [laughs] Right, kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ...
Narrator: Joe decided that in order to get out of jail, he would have to use ...
Officer Collins: [addressing military brass about Rita's background] We did, however have to come to an ...
[cabinet has been debating putting water on the plants instead of Brawndo] Pvt. Joe Bowers: What ...
Ow! My Balls! Guy: Comin' up next on The Violence Channel: An all-new "Ow, My Balls!"
[last lines] Narrator: Joe and Rita had three children, the three smartest kids in the world. ...
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